How To Talk To Teenagers

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place". George Bernard Shaw

This quote makes me smile. Parents of teenagers always think they have spoken clearly but their teenagers’ actions often demonstrate otherwise. They are often surprised when they ask for parenting advice on how to talk to teenagers and I suggest they should first learn to communicate better. Of course, communication is about so much more than just words but for now I want to focus on the art of conversation.

"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well" John Marshall ( American Founder ).

A conversation between two people is only successful if one listens whilst the other talks and vice versa. A lot of bad teenage conduct is a result of sheer frustration when a teenager feels he or she is not being heard. Listening is a key ingredient when learning how to talk to teenagers because being heard and having a voice is really important to them. So, if parents want to learn how to talk to teenagers they really must first make lots of time available for simply listening. This is about more than simply hearing the words that have been said. Parents often spend a great deal of their time being around when their children are talking to them but rarely do they listen actively. Do not assume you understand what your teenager is trying to say. Feedback phrases such as “Am I right in thinking that you are saying...." are invaluable when talking with your teenager.

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless" Mother Theresa

One of the most frequently occurring problems between parents and teenagers is the feeling that a kind word is never passed between them. It is very easy when the relationship has broken down to constantly focus on bad teenage behaviour and teenagers always complain that their good deeds go unnoticed. So my initial general advice for parents wanting to know how to talk to teenagers is to consciously look for any sign of good teenage activities and, no matter how small, start to praise this in a sincere manner. Show your gratitude by saying thank you if your teenager is helpful to you or to another sibling. Parents who follow this advice for help with their teenager are often pleasantly surprised to find that there is often a display of warmth and sensitivity already happening that they haven’t even noticed before.

Another important piece of parenting advice for parents is to separate the teenager from their performance as a human being. In the heat of the moment it is too easy to direct your feelings towards your teenager instead of their behaviour. “You are stupid” has a very different meaning from “You’re acting stupidly” . Constantly hearing the first statement can have a detrimental effect on your teenager in all areas of their life as such comments can build limiting beliefs that are hard to overcome in later life.

Another initial piece of parenting advice I give to parents on how to talk to teenagers is for them to be aware of the power of their words. Parents can unwittingly contribute to the problem they are trying to avoid by repeatedly stating the teenage deeds that they do not want to see. This focuses their teenager’s mind only on the bad behaviour. It is a much better approach for parents with teenagers to focus on the teenage conduct that you do want and you will be amazed at what a difference this small change can make.