Help With Teenagers - Taking responsibility for their actions

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology ( AACAP) our brains continue to develop during the teenage years and different areas of the brain develop at different rates. This has a significant effect on teenage behaviour. Here comes the science bit! An area of the brain known as the Amygdala develops early during the teenage years whilst an area known as the Frontal Cortex develops later. ‘So what does that mean?’ I hear all those wanting help with teenagers asking. Well, the Amygdala is responsible for instinctive reactions whilst the Frontal Cortex controls reasoning which means that teenage behaviour is more likely to be impulsive than thought through. Teenagers do not naturally think about potential consequences of their actions. This is a fact all couples with teenagers have experienced but they continue to ask their teenagers ‘Can’t you think before you act?” and the honest answer for most teenagers is ‘No, not yet!!”

These facts do not absolve the teenagers of any responsibility for their actions but it does help parents with teenagers to understand why teenage behaviour can be so frustrating. Furthermore it can be as frustrating for the teenager as it is for the parents. My parenting advice for those wanting help with teenagers is to have a strategy for teaching them to take responsibility and I recommend following my Circle of Space Process.

Before your child became a teenager you watched over them trying to keep them safe at all times. Once they become a teenager, however, my parenting advice is to imagine taking a small step away from them so that you create a Circle of Space between you and them. In this circle you allow them to take a few simple responsibilities. It is important that you know how to talk with your teenager so that you can let them know you believe they are ready to take this responsibility - that you believe they can do it - but they must take any consequences if they don’t. Then let go of your responsibility and pass this responsibility over to your teenager.

Have faith that this process will work but don’t be surprised if it takes a little time. Whenever I am giving parents help with teenagers I always like to remind them how they reacted when their teenager was a baby learning to walk. As a parent you had faith and patience and when they fell over you didn’t assume they would get it first time! This is the same situation. Your teenagers are learning a new skill and it is your job to have faith and patience while they learn. Do not get angry if they do not step up straight away. Once they have shown they are capable of taking on one or two simple responsibilities then take another step back, increase the circle of space between you and them and add some new responsibilities.

When I’m working with people who want help with teenagers they often tell me that they will not give the teenager any responsibility until they show that they are mature enough to take it. Teenagers rightly complain that they cannot show they are mature enough until they are given some responsibility. If you are a parent who is asking for help with teenagers I strongly advise that you become their teacher and start teaching them how to be responsible for their words and actions.